Lost Pages of a Mental Diary
by augustustheliar
Summary: Mikan and Natsume thoughts as they go through a rough patch and soon, a break up.
1. Part One

**May 8**

We fought for the nth time. Are we really happy being together? We've been a couple for three years now and although to some people, it seems normal for Natsume and I to fight, it doesn't feel good anymore. Natsume's different, I've established that a long time ago, but that doesn't mean he can use it as an excuse to start whatever he wants to start with me. I am a patient person but that doesn't mean he should always test my patience.  
I am so tired of this. This isn't good for us anymore. I've always thought we can get through this, but everyday seems harder to fight. He doesn't come around as easy as he does before. Our friends can't convince him the way they can before. Everything has changed and it doesn't seem right.

**May 12**

I can't break up with him. He's holding me together, I realized. I'm not an emotionally stable person and I need him around to keep me stuck to the ground. He's my contradicting person. He can make or break me. I hate that I rely on him so much. I thought I could end it, but seeing his blank crimson eyes, bored and uninterested, makes me think there's more to that. It's a wall and I have to break it to be happy.  
And I think I've broken a part of it. I'm so happy with him. **_I can't ask for more_**.

**May 13 **

Yesterday seemed good. Today isn't again.

**May 17**

I need to cry but there are no tears. I need to, I need to. But I don't understand why I can't.  
He said he needs time for himself. We hardly ever see each other anymore because of our tight schedules and he needs time? I told him I couldn't take it anymore so I'm leaving. I'm not entirely sure who broke up with who but it doesn't really matter, does it?

**May 20 **

My cellphone asked me every single time I decided to delete an item, and every time, I had always been sure I would delete it. This time, I found myself deleting messages he sent me that I decided to keep for so many weeks (or even months) and photos of him. I've deleted all his texts, my phone asked me first if I was sure. Of course I wasn't but I did it anyway. The photos were harder. I had to spend three to seven seconds staring at his face to be sure I was making the right choice. I deleted 18 photos out of 21. It was hard.  
We broke up last weekend, didn't talk or text for two days until he asked me when I was going to school so he could give my things back to me. So we met up awhile ago, we were together for two hours because we were in line for the finance to pay something. It was so sad because I hoped that he would want to talk me out of the break-up, but he didn't. We weren't talking to each other except for minor conversations which didn't seem us at all.  
We separated before the boys' dormitory. I wanted to have just one last hug, for goodbye but I didn't have the guts to ask him that so we separated with "I'm here, take care." I cried while walking. It was so hard because every time he got close enough that our skin would brush to each other or his shirt would brush my arm, I always wished I could come closer. He asked for a break, from me. Like a cool-off because he thought I wasn't giving him time for himself. We don't do cool-offs. We break up. So I told him "A break is a break." so we did it. I think it's final, like this is really the end. But I haven't cried that much yet because it hasn't sunk in yet. I still want him around so bad. But I feel like I can't take it back anymore.  
He told me that he had to be mad at me and hate me so it would be easier to let go of me.

**May 23 **

Grandpa said, if we're meant to be together, it will happen.

**June 1**

Ever time my cell phone beeps, my heart pounds for two seconds until I see who texted me. I know whose name I would want to see, but it's never him. I know what I'm supposed to do. I know we're over, it has been a two weeks since and based on what I have been feeling, I'm not helping myself move on.  
He texted me, asking how would I react if he asks to start our relationship again. I replied with I don't know. I never heard from him since.  
At some point, I am disappointed that he let go of the subject. My heart yearns for him. And it sucks that he knows that. He is happily moving on and with him texting me, I am still stuck. It's just fantastic.  
I need to escape from him. I need to repeat to myself that he's no longer who I had loved. But it hurts. My heart pounded when I hugged him, for the last time. When I let go, he held my hand as I left. And I still can't stop telling myself how that meant something still.

**June 3 **

I am done. Done trying to be nice, done trying to be pathetic. I am done. I've let go of him completely. But I know his existence in my life will still be here, I'm just trying to learn to be like he didn't.  
My life is a mess. I know how to deal with it, I'm just scared to deal with it. He used to be my refuge, partly my happyness and my comfort. He's gone now, and forever he will be. Good bye, Natsume.

**June 10**

I remember him like the back of my hand. Maybe I do miss him. I miss a lot of things about him. He was supposed to be my forever person. I still do not know what had just happened. I wish I did know. I miss laughing with him. I miss tickling his one and only tickle zone. Maybe I do miss him.  
But we left each other, for our own sakes. I did not think it was that hard to be with him. But he thought it was hard to be with me. He did not have time for himself anymore. I still do not understand how that happened. But here I am, freedom is mine.  
I am free from a man's hold I never resented. I am free from a commitment I never regretted. I am free from a man who did not love me as much as I did to him.  
I loved him, dearly. Looking at his blank crimson eyes were like spending fifteen seconds basking in the beach, I loved it. I loved him like no other. I loved him like cupcakes you would never find anywhere.  
But he's gone. We both are. And slowly, but surely, I will be happy without him.  
Soon enough, a beautiful boy will fill up the void that was once him. He will fill up every loss that Natsume did not give. He will love me like the sun. He will need me like he needs himself. I will be happy. And Natsume will be forgotten.  
I hope soon enough he will be completely forgotten, a story never told or a man who never existed. His bitterness is what took away the last bit of desire I had for him. It seemed like I was the one who damaged him. I was more damaged with him than without him and yet I stayed because I felt incomplete without him. I felt completely, utterly, ultimately taken for granted by someone who entirely did not deserve me. I hate myself that I had to give in when I had four years not giving in in his charms, and yet here I am, feeling absolutely ripped off by a boy who made me believe he was what he seemed to be for three years. I want to forget him, I want to forget he ever existed in my life. He will be forgotten.  
I want to forget him completely so I can move on without feeling angry at him and myself. I hope he leaves me quickly.

**June 23 **

He's my cigarette. He's a brand of cigarettes that doesn't really taste that good. When you smoke it, it takes too much space in your lungs, leaving you coughing everytime. But there's a sickening temptation to it, even if you cough every single time, it makes you feel happy, for some reason. It makes you feel what you want to feel.  
I don't smoke, really, but it's the best comparison I could think of.  
I couldn't give up on him even if I try because I kept holding on to something that I thought was there. His words, it has always been his words. His words of lies, fantasy or whatever I could call them. It's something I wanted to see from him despite where we are but he doesn't show a mere interest in what I have. I actually believed him, I shouldn't have, although I tried not to. I told him I won't give up on him but he told me, indirectly, that he doesn't want this relationship as much as I do. I want to slap his face stupid for telling me lies, but it's my fault I actually believed him. He told me three weeks ago that he thinks he'll choose me in the end. I could see that "the end" he was talking about was never going to come. I remember suggesting to him that we just date, no strings attached, but he said he couldn't even do that.  
I looked at myself in the mirror last night as I cried, I hated myself for doing what I was doing. I was crying myself stupid and I always thought he didn't deserve me. I am stupid. I am stupid. Kill me now.  
He denied it. He denied saying that in the end, he'd choose me. He denied that sentence. I sort of expected that. It was extremely disappointing for someone I used to know.  
I can't exactly say I would quit smoking now because it's so much harder than I thought. But I WILL GET THERE, I SHOULD GET THERE.

**June 30**

At the moment, I am glad I didn't do anything for him to hear from me. But I am so pathetic that I can't even promise myself that I could not talk to him for several weeks.  
But I do have a hunch that he really doesn't want to be with me anymore. It's just that he didn't have the guts to say it straight to my face. I had to read between the lines, in which I have always been poor at. He's too much of a coward to decide what he really wants. I'm guessing majority of the chances, he really doesn't want to go back to whatever we had. All I need to do is learn, learn to cope up and not be too desperate for his company. I should know better.  
I think I need a shrink so I could understand myself more and so I could learn how to deal with this. Because I know what I am doing is wrong. I'm not lonely. I'm just single.

**July 12 **

I was reading past blog entries I had, the first entries were happy. Natsume was sweet, surprising me at the first times. Soon enough, everything was lost. We always fight, we always argue. The love was lost. So I thought, maybe breaking up was the right thing for us. I can't even make him happy. Or I couldn't. Past tense. I still think there is more to us than this. He preferred to give me everything he has but he broke up with me for the same reason.  
He's the most beautiful boy I've ever seen despite what people think. I don't care who thinks what. And we're perfect, maybe.. or maybe not. I don't know when I'll ever be able to get over him. I was supposed to let go of this blog, but I still write for the sake of letting my feelings out. Maybe he's over me and off dating someone his type, someone close to how he saw me before. It's sad but I have to accept it no matter what. And maybe that's why he doesn't want to give me my things back because he doesn't want to see me anymore. Who knows what is going on in his mind?  
I love you, Natsume. Gosh, I still love you like I did the first time. And if we don't get back together, then we don't. I'm tired of living in my fantasy life, living like it's okay to be friends with you or whatever. I need my reality back. I need it back. And maybe I need him back. Or not. I don't know what I want!  
**Maybe** I want that picture to happen again. It was taken almost a year from now. We were a happy mess.


	2. Part Two

**May 7**

We're going in circles. I'm growing tired of it.  
I like her, I like Mikan. No, I love Mikan. But she doesn't seem to make sense anymore. She's all over the place. She doesn't seem to listen to a word I say and she's not aware of it. I'm not a wordy person but I want her to listen when I say something. She never makes it easy to love her more and more each day. I know there must be some way to compromise in our state, or some way to resolve this issue but I'm growing tired of this shit.  
I don't know. I don't want to think about it anymore. I don't even want to talk to her right now.

**May 12**

She came to me this morning. No tears, no sniffs, just her plain self. She wasn't even overstimulated like she always was. We talked, or she pushed me to talk out of my comfort zone.  
I love her when she's happy. I want to keep her there because she becomes insane when we fight again. She's too fragile and she's too hard to manage anymore. She's got baggage, that's what. She becomes really insane that I don't know what to do with her anymore. But today, I saw her smile. She made her usual corny jokes and I never laughed. But she was usually entertained by that alone.  
One thing I love about her is that she doesn't keep living in the past. She lets go of whatever we fight about. And one thing why I want to keep her happy is because I am happy when she is. Insanity is far from us, we wouldn't be that wrong.

**May 17**

My heart is racing. I told her I need time for myself. For three whole years, solid as it was, I didn't get the chance to take care of myself. Before I had her, I relied on myself and nobody else so I knew how to take care of myself. And in those three years, everything was about her, everything was for her. And I couldn't hold onto myself long enough to last in this relationship. I want time for myself. Now, I realized, everything was done for her. I am so tired. I want to be free for once.

**May 25**

If it's meant to be, it's meant to be. I don't want to rush things.  
She told me she wants to come back. But I don't want to come back.. just yet. I don't think it's time or I'm in the right mind to. I feel disappointed that I had to end it. We've been together for so long and she was almost taking the half of me. She was, like, a body part. But then, it was much too heavy to carry and I just can't do it anymore.

**June 3**

Sometimes I feel lonely and sad, and I thought about her. I think about her every single day, but it's never enough to keep me magnetized towards her, enough to come back to her. I still love her, but when I think about everything, what we've been through, I just can't find a reason to come back. It would only be a cycle.

**June 7**

I saw her today. I saw her. The same girl I fell in love with, except I couldn't find it in myself to try and see her the way I saw her before. I'm not even sure I would come around. I know she relies on it but there's just too much going on in our lives to even try. Maybe, just maybe, she's not who I really want to be with.  
My friends want me to come back to her, she wants me to come back to her but nobody, not even her, understands how hard it is to come back.  
She's selfish, too overly stimulated, controlling. We grew up not knowing who we will be when we grow up and she grew to be this.  
But she's loving, she makes me happy. This is too much pressure.

**June 15**

We haven't talked for a week now. I miss her. I miss her more than anything in the world.

**June 25**

I'm pissed off. She keeps on pushing herself towards me and I AM NOT READY. I AM NOT READY to think of anything that has anything to do with her. I know she's crying again.  
I want her to get her shit together and figure out her life. She can go on without me but she's not trying. I haven't even thought of what to do with my life. I just want time. Time, is that hard to give? Everyday I receive some shit about her or from her, I'm growing tired. Tired. Everyday.  
She needs to find her reality. She's been trying to live in this fantasy world where we can be together. I'm tired, pissed and bordering on having enough of it.

**July 3**

We talked, like mature people. She told me she would give me time. For once, I heard something sensible from her. She finally realized it's not time to talk about it. She told me she wouldn't wait for me. I don't know what to decide and I don't want to think about it. I'm happy with where I am now, how my life is.

**July 13**

I thought about her today because her picture fell from my wardrobe, suddenly. She's still as beautiful as she was from the start. I still like her. I haven't decided what I want and I even don't know if I should decide anything.  
**Maybe** things are better this way. I stared at her photo. Maybe, just maybe, things will be better this way.


	3. Part Three

It had been three and a half months and Mikan's friends learned to adjust to her distance with Natsume. At first, they were unsure whether it was right to even mention his name but soon enough, she comfortably told them that it was okay to talk about him. It was convincing when she said it, like the sound of his name didn't cause her any pain. Yuu merely smiled in silence to acknowledge the courage that she brought out.

"Really, guys, it's fine," she said smiling. And at the corner of her eyes, the subject walked in the cafeteria hall. She couldn't help it. Her friends watched as her head moved to her left to see the boy who broke her heart.

Always he walked with an aura that made it seemed like he owned the ground he walked in. No girl missed a step he made in the hall. Mikan's heart skipped and ran faster than its average speed with the sight of him. It was the same feeling she felt at the first day of their break up. She wished it would leave her. Even if she had cut her hair, made herself as pretty as she could to attract his attention, it didn't seem to affect him in the least, even if everybody told her how much they loved her new look.

Mikan looked away in desperation to be less tempted to do something. Instead, she just kept filling her mouth with food, chewing relentlessly like she believed it would all go away with it. She breathed in deeply, mouth still full of food.

"Hey, Mikan, are you okay?" Anna asked her. Her voice was concerned.

Mikan stared at her for a moment, struggling to answer. She, then, swallowed. "I'm fine," she replied. Her heart was slowing down. "I-I'm really fine." A smile broke from her shining lips as she realized that her emotions were keeping up with her mind. "I'm close to getting over him, I think? Or I hope I am."

"Then, that's really good, Mikan," Anna said, her high-pitched voice made her statement vindictive of its supposed emotion.

"He seemed to be moving on quite well," Nonoko added. "So, you have to be at fair level."

Mikan nodded in agreement. "I should, shouldn't I?" Her insides told her he's dating someone by now. She frowned at her own thoughts but she had to motivate herself. She decided to change their topic of conversation to something about their Trigonometry homework.

She and Hotaru walked towards the dormitories after dinner. Mikan suddenly remembered memories of the Sakura tree with a glimpse of it. Those memories should be gone, she thought to herself.

"Did you cry?" Hotaru suddenly asked without as much as one glance towards Mikan's direction.

Mikan was surprised but she understood. Hotaru had her second year anniversary with Ruka two weeks ago and he's her first boyfriend. "Almost every week-before."

"Why?"

"Because every thought of him used to hurt and I wanted him badly."

"And you can't have him?"

"That's right."

"Do you still love him?"

"Absolutely."

"Do you still want him back?"

Mikan thought for a moment. She even tried to avoid the thought from coming back and haunting her. But she knew she had to answer. "I don't know."

Hotaru didn't ask anymore questions. They walked in silence, empty but never dead. Mikan reached her room. It looked absolutely the same except for one thing. She walked up to her bed and saw a stolen polaroid photo of her, smiling, or rather laughing, sitting on her blanket. This was the photo, the single photo, Natsume bought from Hotaru for two hundred thirty rabbits, a year and a half ago. Mikan held it between her fingers and placed it near her nostrils, hoping his scent was stuck to it, but it smelled, still like a photo paper. She looked around her room and the thought of Natsume going inside her room to place the photo made her wonder what else did he do inside her room. She half-wished he had stayed long enough to have his footsteps stuck onto the wood, or his touch stuck onto every furniture inside the room.

She frowned. She was far from helping herself move on. She placed the photo onto her study desk and decided to sleep it off.

Mikan haven't seen Natsume for two weeks now, since they had different schedules to follow. She was absolutely pleased by the fact that the sight of him would not bother him. She had been perfectly able in adjusting in her new state. She had already established to herself that she wasn't lonely, she was just single. It was something she had to remind herself often. She was glad she was starting to cope up really well.

* * *

That night, different from other nights, she stared at the photo on her desk. She wasn't staring at her face, instead she was trying to remember the moment stuck onto the photo.

"Hotaru! You took a picture of me!" Mikan shouted as soon as she heard the polaroid camera click.

Her best friend ignored her and took the photo from the end and shook it to reveal the photo. "Hmm, I don't like it."

"Mikan, you look good here," Ruka commented when he snuck a peek at the stolen photo.

"Really? Can I see it?" Mikan's eyes brighten as she took the photo from an uninterested friend. Natsume peered at the photo, next to her.

"I'll keep it." Natsume snatched the photo from Mikan. It was old Natsume.

"Two hundred rabbits," Hotaru said.

"What? I'm not going to buy that," he said, passing the photo to Hotaru.

"But, Natsume," Mikan tugged onto his arm. "I want to keep it."

Natsume's handsome crimson eyes narrowed at Mikan's before finally giving in. He pulled up two bills from his pocket and handed it to Hotaru from the other end of the table.

"Two hundred thirty, I mean," Hotaru said, monotonous but determined.

"That's way too expensive for a photo!" Mikan whined.

"I'm not buying that," Natsume said, putting the bills back to his pocket.

"So I guess, I'll just throw it away," Hotaru said.

"Natsume, please," Mikan pleaded.

"Fine!"

* * *

Two hundred thirty rabbits were passed towards the other end of the table. Natsume told Mikan he bought the photo, so he would be the one to keep it. And now, the photo sat on Mikan's study table.

"Mikan?" A voice from the other side of Mikan's door called.

She knew that voice. She stood up immediately.

"No, don't come out. Let's talk from here."

Mikan was surprised and so she stood frozen.

"How have you been?"

"I am fine, and you?"

"I've been the same. Can we talk?"

"We are talking." Mikan walked towards her door, considered opening it but thought better of it. She slid down her door and sat on the floor.

"How have you been feeling since we broke up?"

Mikan thought for a moment, choosing her words wisely. "Bad, really bad. But it's fine now."

"I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"For everything I put you through."

"What are you doing?"

"I just want to talk to you."

Mikan felt glad to hear his voice again. "Why keep your face away?"

"Because I know I would give in the minute I see you."

Mikan's heart ran. This was the closest distance she had been with him since they broke up. "Are you coming back?"

"I guess."

"You guess? Don't you know?"

A hoarse laugh came out from his mouth. "Okay, ringing affirmative. I do."

Mikan gasped. She didn't expect it from him. She was starting to feel like tears are starting to well up. She stood up and opened the door. She found Natsume sitting on the floor with his back against the wall. With the sight of her, he stood up.

"I hate you," she said. But he was the most beautiful boy still.

"I love you, Mikan."

[END]


End file.
